I've been thinking about this blog post that I was going to make for all of Shuffle'N'Flow for a while now, but it usually only comes back to me at night time when I am BEYOND dead tired...and then I forget or get discouraged thinking that I'll do it the next day.
Well, the next day never came, so I had to force myself to do it now or I would never get around to it.
Perhaps this is my quarter-life crisis, if such a thing exists...
***
Now, I know what you're thinking (like always)...and you're saying "...But Sp-Easy Going Spease! How have you EVER come across something in this life that not even you can comprehend?!" Well, let me tell you:
LIFE IS COMPLICATED SOMETIMES, MMKAY?!
...So lay off, aiight?
***
There are just some things in life that I have come deal with internally without giving them a lot of thought, or devoting a whole butt-ton of cognitive resources towards or I might blow a gasket. So it's easier to just not deal with them and file them under "D" for DO NOT UNDERSTAND. Well before this goes on any longer, hows about we just dive in head first, k?
1.) I can't believe that I have been home from my mission for over three years.
-Seriously! When did the time go by?! Last thing I remember I was in high school chillni' with my friends havin' a gay ol' time! Next thing I know, life is complicated, I am back from a mission and I am not freakin' married. (I'll get back to this point, don't worry.)
D'you remember that part in Jacob when he says "and also our lives passed away like as it were unto us a dream." Well do ya?! Because it says it. I can totally find it if you want me to.
--BESIDES THE POINT--
Well, that is what I feel my life is like. It has all come and gone like a dream. I know that I served a mission, but it all seems so long ago, and sometimes I think to myself "How on earth did you ever do that, self?! How did you leave friends and family for two years and just do church-y stuff?? You have a hard enough time getting out of bed in the morning and forcing yourself to put on pants! I know, because I'm you."
And I think about the people I met, who I barely have any contact with anymore, and I wonder how their lives are and I wonder if in the grand scheme of life if they are a main character and I was a supporting actor or the other way around...
And I remember all the things that happened between graduation and mission and between mission and now and I think to myself "How did I have time in my life to fit in all of those things?! And what was I thinking when I did that!!"
When reflecting upon my life it all seems very surreal, like I was placed in this body with someone elses memories, because there is no way that they could all be mine! (Besides the fact that I know for sure they are all mine)
Reminiscing gets trippy if you do it too much or too often.
2.)I can't believe I'm not freakin' married.
-Growing up I had my whole life planned out, and there always seemed to be plenty of time to do everything I wanted WITH ROOM TO SPARE.
I was wrong.
One of the things that that seemed like the easiest hurdle to overcome was marriage. That would be easy because I could just come home and marry my high school sweetheart, whoever it was who would wait for me while I was in the mission field, or whoever I met first that I had sufficient interest in. Because women are easy enough to understand and get along with, right?
I was wrong, again.
Relationships are INCREDIBLY complicated and multi-faceted with no way to understand them and solve the puzzle that is them in the foreseeable future.
So I sit here in my apartment alone while my friends are back home going on dates or cuddling or whatever it is that normal people do with their time while I sit on my chair and blog about how little I have accomplished with my once thought to be unending, always-fulfilling life.
This was supposed to be the easy part, remember.
3.) I can't believe that God is so forgiving.
-I needed one in here to somewhat lighten the mood and be shorter, because I could hear all three of you groan "Speaster Bunny, shut up already!"
Seriously! He is far too awesome, forgiving, and merciful for my good. Sometime I feel as if it would better if every time I chose wrong that something terrible would happen like a bunny would explode in a lightning bolt on the hood of my car or something crazy, but instead I choose wrong and then I come crawling back with my guilty-feeling self and try and find some way to forgive myself while also seeking His forgiveness. There is just no way for me to understand how Someone can be so merciful, EVEN AFTER including the whole Eternally loving stuff. I just can't make sense of it.
I would have damned me long ago.
4.) I can't believe it's not butter.
-THAT was the one to lighten the mood.
But seriously, if it's not butter, I'll be a monkeys uncle.
5.)I can't believe that all of these experiences are random chance, and that the entirety of creation is also chance.
-I believe in science. Trust me. I love logic and I love things being explained to me.
I ALSO believe in religion.
BUTSPENSERYOUCAN'TDOTHATIT'SCHEATING.
Get bent, I can do what I want.
Religion is the why to the questions of life while Science is the how.
How was the Universe created?
Big Bang (or whatever scientists are calling it these days).
Why was the Universe created?
To act as a testing ground for God's children to prove themselves worthy to inherit His kingdom.
See? Simple.
I won't get into more detail than that because it would require more time, more effort and more questions.
If I didn't believe in the exact beliefs that I do believe in, I feel like I would wake up every day and go to bed every night with loads of questions. And I would be very uncomfortable with everything, desperately seeking a way to ease said comfortableness.
This leads me to ponder on my life. What is my overall grand purpose here? Who am I supposed to be when I grow up? I know there is a plan laid out for my life, but how to I best accomplish it and when should I start?
There HAS to be a reason that I have spent a lot of nights alone. There has to be a reason that I have spent a lot of nights sad and depressed. There has to be a reason that I have the skill sets that I do, that I have the talents I do, that I like the things I do and do the things I do. If there wasn't, I wouldn't be doing them/living them/developing them/being this way. I would be someone else.
The exact personage that IS Spenser Davidson was made this way for a reason. Was developed into this person for a reason. I don't know what exactly that reason is yet, but I hope it is for the greater good someday.
Because thinking that I was raised this way to someday become the crazed-man in a burlap sack mask trying to blow up Gotham is just sad.
6.)I can't believe this post is going so long.
-I apologize.
I haven't made many jokes.
I haven't talked to you much.
I haven't been very entertaining. POSSIBLY thought-provoking, but not very entertaining for sure.
It will be over soon I promise.
~Spencil
P.S. Told you it would.
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